Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty (Just how guilty was he?) Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (I say, give it to him.) Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found (What?) After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth (Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.) Woman Improving After Fatal Crash (Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)

A woman goes into a doctor's office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach. The doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, "Well, Ma'am, are you constipated?" The woman replies, "No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork." The doctor asks, "Every day, are you sure?" The woman replies, "Yes, I never miss a day, every day at 8:15am I am on the toilet." Well, the doctor ponders this because obviously the woman is not constipated so he sends her for a battery of tests. The doctor calls the lady a couple of days later and has her come into his office. "Well, Ms., I have found the problem it seems that you have 3 tapeworms in your st

Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!

Who is the patron saint of playgrounds? St. Francis of a see-saw!

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I love my cat. My cat does not care. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about? Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt? A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Jesus loves

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. If I save time, when do I get it back? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Does fuzzy logic tickle

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life. If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits! Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds. It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks. I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) Constant change is here to stay. Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff! Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic! Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

During work Mike and John are chatting, Mike: "I've been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week." John: "Oh!" Mike: "For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?" John: "No." Mike: "He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this." The next day the same discussiontook place: Mike: "Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?" John: "No." Mike: "He is the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night courses you would know this." The next day, once again: Mike: "And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?" John: "No." Mike: "He's the author of "Confessions", if you took night courses you would know this." Now this time Jo

What is the one thing you get at a wedding and cannot give back no matter how much you despise and hate it? IN-LAWS!

Confucius say... ~He who value skin does not wash cat

There are four people on a plane. a guy from england, a guy from france, a guy from texas, and a guy from mexico, all of a sudden the plane starts falling out of the sky. The pilot says "We a losing altitude we need to get rid of some weight. So they throw everything out of the plane, but its still falling. So the english guy says" for the queen" and jumps out, the french guy says" vi va la france" and jumps out. The texan say "for the alamo" he grabs the mexican and throws him out.