Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers." "Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats." "Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."

My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.

Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them!

Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?

One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!

I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.

I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said "think fast!" He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.

Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.

How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?

Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, "LAND HO!"

A mom was out walking with her 4 year old daughter. the child picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, the child looked at her mom with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," the mom was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy." "Oh." They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the child was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the dad