Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Knock Knock! Who's There? Dot. Dot who? Dots for me to know, and you to find out.

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? FOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Q1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his p

To get your Star Wars name, do the following: 1) Start with the 1st 3 letters of your last name 2) Add the first two letters of your first name 3) Add the first two letters of your mother's maiden name 4) Add the first two letters of the city in which you were born 5) Then, if you want, you can remove one letter to make it sound cool.

The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.

Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"

In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is," Kathy said. Chuck asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburettor. Chuck thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean to be offensive, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," Kathy insisted. "OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake!" she said.

Charlie: "My wife has the worst memory ever." Tom: "She forgets everything, huh?" Charlie: "No, she REMEMBERS everything!"

Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!!

We all know that a good old fashioned zombie says "Braaaaiiiiins!" But what would these zombies say? A Vegan Zombie - "Graaaaaiiiiins!" A 1940's Mobster Zombie - "Daaaaaaames!" A Michael Jordan Zombie - "Haaaaaayynes!" A Vampire Zombie - "Veeeeeeeiiiiins!" A Masochistic Zombie - "Paaaaaiiiiiins!" A Maid Zombie - "Staaaaaiiiins!"