Do doughnut shops need security systems?

Yo momma is so fat, I gave her a piggyback ride and I got scoliosis.

A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most. "I only have to growl," said the bear, "and people start to get a bit nervous." The lion said, "I just have to roar and people run away." "That's nothing," replied the chicken. "I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics."

Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!

Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!

A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old." The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?" The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"

"Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off." Make sense? It should be- "Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off."

Everybody knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, "Kangaroo," so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an aboriginal phrase meaning, "I don't understand your question."

An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, "Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?" "Digging a hole," said Patrick. "What's wrong with the hole next to it?" said his neighbour. "That one wasn't deep enough," said Patrick.

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride,