Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

I'll tell ya later.

A man was staying over at a farmer's house for the night. However, the farmer warned: "My daughter is sleeping in the room next door. I'm going to put a wall of eggs around her bed to make sure that you don't go near her, understand?" The man nodded weakly, for she saw the daughter and noticed she was very beautiful. That night, the man crept into the daughter's room, and sure enough, there was a wall of eggs surrounding her bed. Alas, the daughter's beauty was too much for the man, and he pushed through the wall of eggs and made love to her. Once they were finished, the man took out a mop and cleaned the mess up. He then used super glue to glue the eggs back together and restack them. He

My mate's a maniakleptic – he walks into shops backwards and leaves things. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall." If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.

Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table. On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all." "But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive. When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and si

"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...

1. Look before you leap He who hesitates is lost 2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again Don't beat your head against a brick wall 3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder Out of sight, out of mind 4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today Don't cross the bridge until you come to it 5. Two heads are better than one Paddle your own canoe 6. More haste less speed Time waits for no man 7. You're never too old to learn You can't teach an old dog new tricks 8. A word to the wise is sufficient Talk is cheap 9. It's better to be safe than sorry Nothing ventured, nothing gained 10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth Beware of Greeks bearing gifts 11. Do unto others as

Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"