A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were invited to a party. On the way, the dumb blonde's car broke down. The smart blonde missed the bus. Two of Santa Claus' reindeer ran away. Who got to the party first? The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist!

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence", he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future. "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic. "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?" "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?

A blonde was recently fired from her cashier job, because she kept stealing money from the register. She went looking for work the next day. A few days later, she came to a man who needed someone. "I'm here for the paint job", the blonde said eagerly. "Alright. Take this paint and brush, and go paint my backyard porch", replied the man. The blonde immediately started painting. After she was done, she decided to do a second coat. When she was finished, she went to the man to get her pay. "I finished it, and did a second coating too! By the way, that's not a Porsche, it's a new BMW".

How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.

A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"

A cat's dictionary. Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, "Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone." The second man says, "I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A g

Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport. "Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked. With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'". "Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"

A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?". "It's simple. You're just two tents".