I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy. My neighbour has a circular driveway... He can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Yo momma is so fat she wanted to go shopping for a new belt so she reached into the sky, then pulled off one of Saturn's rings and said, "Yep! Perfect fit."

When I fly, I go Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one-way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. The other day, when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a c

A male teen walks up to his uncle. "Where's Aunt Rhodie?" said the teen. "In the living room," said his uncle. The teen walks to the door. "I wouldnt go in there if I were you," said the uncle, "they're talking about female things." The male teen walks in anyway - (a moment in the hall passes) - the teen comes out all grossed out. "What's wrong?" said the uncle. "I thought you meant SHOES!" said the teen.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it." I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is we

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." All the plants in my house are dead -

Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!

An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it: "Woman without her man is nothing." MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing. WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.

Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world. Doctor: Oops. Secretary: I'm pregnant! Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer... Michael Jackson: I didn't do it! Bill Clinton: I didn't do it! Oh wait...Yes, I did. Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 "Ch355" g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111// Pilot: Are we there yet? Mad Scientist: I like Cows! Cell Phone Tester: Can you hear me now? Video Gamer: Can the line lag any further?

Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"she says. Johnny replies, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car p

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?