A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is grey (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (

One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".

Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in South Carolina when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend. A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Tiger Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.'" "But I'm not a Tiger fan", the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in South Carolina, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks, "How does 'Gamec

HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer 4. Arrives at destination presently. HIS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. 3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window 5. Hocks a loogie 6. Pulls up to a 7 -11 7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky 8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Farts 11. After he closes the door. 12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. 13. Driv

You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants. Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor. You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home. Your family tree is a wreath. If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not. Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family." The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"