- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway. - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. - He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. - He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. - He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"

Knock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!

Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911.

WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!!

A scientist is researching storms, so he goes out to find one. He takes his blonde assistant to help him find one. They drive for miles until they come to some plains. They stop the car and the scientist tells the blonde to look out for tornados. After a few minutes, a cow flies past due to strong winds and the blonde says, "Look! A flying cow!" The scientist writes this down on his notepad but as he does, the car gets swept away by a tornado. The car lands in a ditch after the tornado had gone. The scientist got out and shouted at the blonde, "I thought you were looking out for tornados!" "I was, but after I saw the cow, I was looking for the dish running away with the spoon."

Knock Knock! Who's There? Candy. Candy who? Candy door even open?

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives, the professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long." The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The professor sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

A gang of counterfeiters get a new extremely expensive printing machine, and at great expense, buy some plates, which they were assured were 99.9% perfect. They buy a large consignment of paper which also was virtually identical to the real paper. Gleefully, they switch on the machine and print a few off. They were delighted with the quality of the paper, the inks, and the printing itself - it would fool the best investigators in the whole world - if it wasn't for the fact that the notes were all £18 notes! What were they to do? Eventually, someone suggested going over to Ireland, and changing some of their £18 notes - those stupid Irish wouldn't realise they were being conned! A few d