Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River."

A blonde (let's call her Blonde #1) and her twin sister (let's call her Blonde #2) were celebrating the twin's birthday and Blonde#2 gave Blonde#1 a present. Blonde#1: "Oh, thank you so much! When's your birthday? I have to start planning what to get you!"

I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.

Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A quite sobered-up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired, he finally nods out hoping no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at the end of the sermon, decides to make an example out of him. "Who in this room would like a place in heaven, please stand up," he exclaims. The whole room stands up, except, of course, for one. Obviously displeased, he now says loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP." The man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Fathe

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 15 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein