I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!

Maybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work. "Oh, how?" "I asked for a raise!"

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked. "I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other. 2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane. 3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either. 4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed. 5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

Three men, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were given a sentence of life inprisonment for manslauter in Saudi Arabia. When they got to the trial the judge said, "It is my daughter's birthday, so you will only be lashed 100 times." They went to the whipman and he said, "Today is my birthday, you may all have a wish" The Frenchman, who went firstm said, "I would like a pillow strapped to my back. "He got 33 painless lashes until the pillow broke. He then got hit 77 times on his back. The Scotsman asked for two pillows. He got 66 painless lashes until the pillows broke. Then got 34 whips on his back. The whipman said to the englishman, "England is a noble country, therefore you

If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!

I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action. 'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? Sherwood like to meet you, so open the door!