Yo Momma so fat, when she went into a sumo wrestling match, they said, "Sorry, no professionals allowed."

A very lonely old lady buys a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before the purchase, she is given a guarantee that the bird will talk. Ten days later, she returns to the store, very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk." "Did you buy a mirror?" "No." "Every parrot needs a mirror." So she buys a mirror and installs it in the cage. Another ten days, and she's back at the pet shop. "The parrot still doesn't talk." "Did you buy a ladder?" "No." "Every parrot needs a ladder." So she buys a ladder and installs it in the cage. Guess what? Ten days later, she's back in the shop. "The parrot still doesn't talk!" "Did you buy a swing?" "No." "Every parrot needs a swing." So she buys a swi

How many women on their periods does it take to change a light bulb? - - - O N E ! ! , YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news. One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!" His pal says, "Well, did he?" "He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"

Did your parents have any kids that lived?

1. And now, the taste test. 2. Are we supposed to heat that? 3. And now a little bit from this... 4. ... and please keep that test tube alone! 5. And now shake it a bit. 6. Why is there no label on this bottle? 7. In which glass was my mineral water? 8. The bunsen burner *is* out! 9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!? 10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn... 11. Oh, now I have spilt something... 12. First the acid, then the water... 13. And now the detonating gas problem. 14. This is a completely safe experimental setup. 15. Where did I put my gloves? 16. Oh no, wrong beaker... 17. The fire alarm is just being tested. 18. Now you

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of t

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord.

You are in a car travelling at a constant speed. On your left is a valley, and on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you can't overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter, flying at ground level; both are travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the merry-go-round!

Sam and Abe, in their late seventies, first met years ago in the second grade. Their relationship now is mostly playing cards, telling jokes and making bets. Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!" Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you ..." Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, ...a thousand dollars, ...yes or no!!" Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?" Sam says, "Eleven years!"