Top Jokes
A few minutes before the church services start the parishioners are sitting
in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the
church. Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone is gone except for an elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew,
seemingly unaware that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
Satan walks up to the old man and asks, "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep," the old guy replies, "sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't." says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute." says the old
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and thre
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Only ONE!!
And do you know why it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNT OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they have been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! A
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant..
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else a
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