Automobile Tool Definitions Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools

Attention Bridge Buyers The most respected name in bridge sale is about to present an offer that no self respecting bridge collector can ignore. The Bradley Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before this unique investment opportunity should interest you. The Bradley Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges. Think about it, everyone needs bridges: to go to work, walk across, jump from, get mugged under and to throw rocks from. Not all bridges go up in value, the Bradley Bridge Exchange guarantee

"Waiter, I'd a cup of coffee, please, no cream." "I'm sorry, sir, we're out of cream. Would you have it with no milk?" "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" "Well, it was ground this morning!" "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" asked the waiter. "I'll have tea," replied the first customer. "Me too – and be sure the cup is clean!" Soon, the waiter returns with two cups of tea. "Two teas," he says. "And which of you gentleman asked for a clean cup?"

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale. "I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!" "Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?" "Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-" "Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there." "I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!" "Oh

A Cautionary Tale It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read H

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spat into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over t

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DR

The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions. Tortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. Rubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together. Flying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first p

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house. Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass. Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A. From a catalogue. Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A. He thought it was a delivery service. Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A. A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? A. She wants to be the first lady. Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town. Q.

Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica. A. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum. Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument? A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ! Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? A. The President after Bush Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House? A. Swallow the Leader Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book? A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing" Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A. Get out of my sun! Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? A. Got two fives for a ten? Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? A. By putting a plun

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I