How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

A man walked into a stockbroker's office and said to the receptionist, "I just won the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company." Heads turned in shock at hearing the man's language. "I'm sorry, but we don't allow that kind of talk here," the receptionist said. "You'll have to leave." "I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%*! company," the man insisted. Suddenly the manager came out. "What's all the swearing about?" he asked. "I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company," the man replied. "Oh, I see," said the manager. "And are these %**!&%*! people giving you a hard time?"

Knock-knock! Who's there? Chips. Chips who? Chips Ahoy!

Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.

Q. How do you kill a blond? A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!

Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water

Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up.

Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.

Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.

A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time." "Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"