Top Jokes
Man 1: "I was on the television last night."
Man 2: "Were you really?"
Man 1: "Yeah. When I'm drunk I'll sleep anywhere."
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"
Ma
"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?"
"Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"
A blonde and her friends at a military camp had been taken out to play a game of paintball. Her team all bundle into their trench and prepare for the game. Suddenly, the whistle blows to signal the start of the game and the group-leader shouts,
"Fire at will!"
As the rest of the blonde's group start firing she turns to the group-leader and asks,
"Which one's Will?"
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.
One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.
After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, "Bed hard."
The priest frowned at him and ushered him away.
The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice,
"Food cold."
The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.
The next year the monk said in a sad voice, "Quit job."
The priest suddenly shouted, "Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!"
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh - keep on smilin'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know
To get the Chinese newspaper
Get it?
No
Neither do I. I get USA Today
A taxi driver, driving a Mercedes-Benz, picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.
When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front was for. The driver replied, "Why, it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down."
"Ah, I see," said the man.
With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away. He hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!"
Billy-Bob returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said, '6'".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'."
"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
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