How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open by the time she brings it to you. Why are women's feet so small? So they can stand closer to the sink. How much does it cost to fix a woman's watch? Nothing, theres a clock on the oven. Your wife is at the front door yelling at you to open the door for her and your dog is at the back door barking his head off to be let in. Which one do you let in first? The dog, he shuts up when you let him in the house. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist? A woman who won't shut up and do what a man tells her.

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son. The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room people call him 'Father." The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace." The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence." The fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly. The three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son. With a smug look on her face she replies, "My son is a 6' 5" muscular

A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never n

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?" The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood". The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood. The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?" The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma." The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."

There are three well known rings to marriage: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!

Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped!

If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."

From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930): Keep the clock and altimeter wound up. Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded. Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows. Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.

There were two guys at a bar. One of them was rich and the other was poor. They both start talking and they find out their anniversary is on the same day, which is tomorrow. Poor guy- "What did you get your wife?" Rich Guy- "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz." Poor guy- "Why did you give her those??" Rich Guy- "Because if she doesn't like the ring she can run the car off a cliff and go screw herself. What did you get your wife?" Poor guy- "A pair of slippers and a dildo" Rich Guy- "Why did you give her those??" Poor guy- "Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go screw herself!"