Report of a duel between Alexander Shott and John Nott, in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case, it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot, but Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Tons of Puns Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating: always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? A m

A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football. "It's all right, mum," he said, brightly; "you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!"

The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

A pastor was walking down the street one day when he saw an abandoned kitten in an alley. Feeling sorry for it, he took it home. However, it wasn't until he was in his house when he realized it had a collar. It said "Fluffy," nothing else. No phone number, no street address, nothing. He went around the neighborhood, asking if anyone had lost a cat, to which he always got the same reply: "No." Then, one day the cat got stuck in a tree that was too tall for him to climb. He tried everything: coaxing it with warm milk, scaring it down, even calling the fire department, but nothing worked. Suddenly, while he was reading the newspaper, he got an idea. He tied a rope to the front of his pick-up tr

What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.

1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late. 2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. 3. Pronounce "nuclear" right. 4. Publish my dog's sequel. 5. Show off my awesome golf shot. Hey, I counted to five!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when I was banging her she thought she was getting a threesome!

What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag? One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries! Why does MJ like Wal-Mart? Because they have boys' pants half off! What time is bedtime in Neverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! And now, for the grand finale: What is brown and in little boys' pants? MJ's hand!

99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.