What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!

Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"

Yo momma's so stupid, when they said "Drinks are on the house!" She went and got a ladder.

Yo momma's so fat that small things orbit her!

There were three blondes stranded on an island. They were left with one bottle of water, so the decided to have thirds of the bottle. The next day, the bottle is lying empty next to one blonde, and the other two blondes say, "Why'd you drink all the water?" and the blonde says, "But my third was at the bottom."

She make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so stupid, she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street café watching the crowd. Across the street, they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes later, they reappeared, with a third person. "They have multiplied," said the biologist. "Oh no, it's an error in measurement," the physicist replied. "If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again," was the mathematician's conclusion.

What do you say to a redneck with a beautiful woman on his arm? "Hey, nice tattoo!"

Recently, Germans conducted some scientific exploration involving their best men. Core drilling samples were taken to a depth of 50 metres, and during these examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that 25,000 years ago, ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network. The British government was unimpressed, and conducted their own survey. From samples drilled to a depth of 100 meters, they found small pieces of glass, and announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Britons had a nationwide optical-fibre network. The Irish government felt they had to conduct their own survey, their scientists

There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved. Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again. Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch. When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just careered off the road."

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?" The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!" The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?" The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts." The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"