Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained. "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.

Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!

She Was So Blonde She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

What does the hot dog say after winning a race? I'm a WIENER!!!

What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"

Confucius say: Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is stroke of genius.

Confucius Say: Crowd in elevator smell different to midget.

Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok

She used to have a broad mind and a narrow waist; now it's the other way round. It was a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. Psychic wanted – you know why, and where to apply. I don't think they really wanted me in the marching band – they gave me a piano. Then, when we played hide and seek, no-one came to look for me.

I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?" The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."