A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off; go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."

I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone! You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor! You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!

What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA

Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out. The two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in. One day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed. "However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?" asked Mama. "Easy," said Out. "Instinct!"

A man was enjoying a pleasant afternoon of golf. On the 15th hole, he drove his ball to the right of the fairway into a patch of buttercups. As he neared the ball, he heard a small voice say, "Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!." He looked around, but there was no one nearby. So he starts towards his ball again and hears, "Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!" Well, the man is a little disturbed by this, so he decides to leave that ball and play another, even though this will cost him a stroke. After he makes his play, an elf appears! "Thank you, sir, for not hurting my buttercups. As a reward, I will give you all the butter you could ever want." "Well, that's great," replied th

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought I was stupid, Then I met you!

There were 3 men who wanted to buy toilets, so they went to the nearest store and were looking at the new designs of the toilets. The first guy asks for a toilet that would go nice in his log cabin out in the woods, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of wood. The second guy asks for a toilet that would be nice for an igloo, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of ice. The third guy asked for the nicest toilet they have that would go in the National History of Canada Museums employee restroom, so the salesman sells him a singing toilet with a picture of the Canadian flag on the tank. Well, they all get what they asked for. The next day all 3 men come back with their toilets. The