Yo momma's so stupid, she got lost in a parking lot!!

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generat

A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

Ethel and Bunty were getting just a little bored in the senior citizens' home, when Bunty had an idea. "I bet you $100 that you won't streak round the garden, Ethel." "You have got a bet," replies Ethel, so she disrobes and sets off round the garden. Tom and Bob were enjoying a relaxing time in the garden when Ethel went past. Bob says, "Wasn't that Ethel that went by?" Tom replies, "Yes, I do believe it was." "What was she wearing then?" "I don't know," said Tom, "but it surely needed ironing."

A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"

I bought a book called "How to Hug," and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.

A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.

I had a part in the local repertory company's Shakespeare week, and was allocated the dressing room that was next to the large room shared by three of the actresses. One day, a friend of mine was visiting me when he drew my attention to the fact that there was a small hole in the dividing wall. "You can see right through into next door!" he exclaimed. "Ah, let 'em look," I said.

Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie. Don't choose the name of

1. On a mall child's cart bag Do not put child in bag (Who does?) 2. On food court restaurant counters Warning: Touching hot surfaces may burn you (Wanna try?) 3a. Bush on war in Iraq "We're not going to have any casualties." (Where are we now, huh?) 3b. Bush's description of the White House "It is white." (WOW! Who knew???) 3c. Our future "The future will look better tommorow." (That settles it, we're all gonna die.)

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" "No," said the boy. "Why not?" said the judge. "Because she beats me." The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." "Oh, no," cried the boy, "he beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay, who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with the New York Yankees." "Why?" asks the judge. "They don't beat anybody."

There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks. A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God." A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."