A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. He says, "My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?" "Let's have a look at him," says the vet, as he picks up the dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth. "I'm going to have to put him down," he finally says. "What?" says the man, "just because he's cross-eyed?" "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy!"

The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month. Little Johnny stood up to read his: "Daddy fell in the well last week," he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Johnson, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Timmy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room. To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently. He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?" "He certainly is, sir," replies the barman. "I am amazed," said the man. "Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker." "Does the dog win much?" asks the man. "No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with two black sheep under each arm? A: A pimp

I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set. The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was "Built in Antenna."

If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off!

Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs.

A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS. "That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!" "In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could. One day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'." "I will do no such a thing," says the priest. "It would be a lie." "I know that you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is in a dilemma. "And if I pledge to say those words," he says, "you'll sig

A father and son went fishing one summer day. While they were out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "Dad, how does this boat float?" "Don't rightly know, son." "Dad, how do fish breath underwater?" "Don't rightly know, son." "Dad, why is the sky blue?" "Don't rightly know, son." Eventually, after the boy asked his father several more questions, "Dad, do you mind me asking all these questions?" "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you never learn anything."

Sally – "Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?" Mum – "Because there are sharks in the sea." Sally – "But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea." Mum – "That's different, he's insured."

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?" St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed. "You really are Albert Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" When Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials. Picasso says, "May I use that blackboard and chalk?" St. Peter says, "Go ahead."