Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock.

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?" Einstein agreed. When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions. He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of re

Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet! Dad: That took you 5 yaars! Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!

A blonde had twin girls - she called them Kate and Duplicate. Then she had twin boys - she called them Pete and Repeat.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(9i)³]-[cos(xy)/1096x]

Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

Good insult: Your mom goes to college! Good comeback: How do you know? Stalker!

Yo momma is so short when she falls of the curb it sounds like aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Yo momma is so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.

My granddad was a very unlucky man. He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell. He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell. He tried yet another, called it 3-up. He got to 6-up, and quit.

Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?

Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read.