Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Husband: Darling, of course I do...

A man was walking through the desert, when he found a woman buried up to her neck. The woman asks him to dig her out, and he says, "What's in it for me?" She replies, "Sand."

Yo Momma so short, you can see her feet on her driving licence!

Yo Momma's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear!

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

"I say! Look here!" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. "You nearly shot my wife!" "I'm terribly sorry," replied the offender, "shall I try again?"

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?" "He was your doctor."

What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A young reporter was sent on his first assignment. He sent in the following report to the office - "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her breasts." The editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. we don't use words like 'breasts' around here. Go back and write something more appropriate!" The young reporter thought for a few minutes, and finally sent in this report - "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her ( . ) ( . )."

A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police. The man asked: "Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?" The policeman replied, "No, you were flying too low..."

Sticks and stones won't break my bones but yo momma will when she gets on top!

Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"