A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want to be interrupted by woman!

I'll get a world record for this. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. Let it down slowly. Rat poison only kills rats. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. It's strong enough for both of us. This doesn't taste right. Nice doggie. I've done this before. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious.

Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.

Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: " You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."

What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!

This is a true story. This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time. Lawyer - "You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?" Policeman - "That is correct." L - "And where were you at this time?" P - "At the junction of X and Z." L - "So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred?" P - "Yes, I was." L, in incredulous accent - "So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?" P - "Yes." L - "Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?" P - "Because

When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes!

Q: How does a blonde moon walk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

A blonde, brunette, and redhead all go into a building to take an emergency course. After a few minutes of introductions, the instructor of the course starts to talk about fire. "Wherever you see a fire, you need to call 911, imediately." After an hour or so of the lecture, the brunette makes an excuse to get out of there, by saying she needs a drink. 2 minutes later she comes running back in, with fire fighters behind her, and she yells, "There's a fire!" They all run out, and after a few minutes the fire fighters come back out, and say, "We can not find a fire." The blonde suddenly screams out "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" she gestures towards the redhead, "THE FIRE IS ON HER HEAD."

A blonde and her husband go to buy her new clothes. First, they decide she needs a new shirt, so they go through a few shirts but she rejects them all. Finally she points at one that she likes, but he thinks it is ugly, so he says no. They go through almost the whole store, and she says no to all of the shirts. Bored and annoyed, the husband finally goes up to the shirt she likes and generously "Fine, do you want this polo shirt?" The wife thinks for a few seconds and says "Oh, it's a polo shirt? In that case no, I'm really not into sports."

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.