Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs

There was once a Chinese immigrant who came to England; he didn't know English, so he decided to learn some words by walking around the city of Nottsbourough. He walks into a nursery and all of the babies are shouting, "Me, me!" So he learns the word "Me". He then walks into a restaurant and a boy screams, "Knives and forks!" He learns those two words as well. Finally, he walks into a video shop and he sees the television playing, "Dunununununununununununu, BATMAN!" He then learns that as well. Suddenly there is big commotion outside, and a policeman shouts, "Who killed this man?" (there was a dead man lying on the floor.) The Chinese man walks out of the shop and shouts, "Me!" The policem

What do you call a sheep with no eyes? A blind sheep (what else?)

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator 1) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 2) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) Meow occasionally. 6) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly 7) Say "Ding" at each floor. 8) Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons. 9) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a b

yo mommma is so skinny when she went to the strip club they used her as the pole!

Here's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid?

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried WIFE?" he replied.

Betcha I can give up gambling!

I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing. My question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk???

There once was a man who died and went to heaven. There he saw a hot babe and a ladder. The babe said "you can have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." The man climbed the ladder. There he saw an even hotter babe who said the same thing. He climbed the ladder again. He saw yet another ladder and an even hotter babe, hotter than the previous ones. She said the same thing. So the man climbed the ladder one more time. This time he saw an extremely ugly man. The ugly man said "Hi, I'm Sess, suck me."

A sailor came home from his 5-year sea voyage, and had two bird-cages with him. He holds them up, and says to his wife, "Do you want the parrot, or do you want the cockatoo?" She replies, "I'll have the parrot, I've had a cockatoo while you were away!"

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the ha