In this age of political correctness we must reajust our terms. People are no longer concidered gay, here are two better options: Good: A wanabe transvestite Best: Heterosexually challenged.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

Yo momma so skinny, when it's pouring outside, she can dodge the raindrops

Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $

Yo mama is so fat, when God said let there be light, he asked your mom to move over.

1. Walk to your neighbor's house and ask in your best British accent, "May I borrow a cup of pants?" 2. Go over to a friend's house, take off your shirt, put on one of theirs and leave. 3. When a telemarketer calls, say, "Welcome to Hell! Satan speaking, how may we reap your soul today?" 4. Randomly say quotes from the movie Anchorman out of context. 5. Wake up really early. Sneak into your neighbor's house, get the newspaper, brew up some coffee, make breakfast, and wait for him to see you. Then scream and promptly exclaim, "What are you doing in my house?!?!?!"

The old Lord of the Manor was finally on his death-bed, and had called his servants to his bed-side. To his butler, he said, "Jeeves, you have been with me now for nearly 40 years, and for your loyal service I shall leave you Ashley Hall, with its 74 rooms, and a 100% pension." "Thank you, your lordship," said Jeeves. Turning to the house-keeper, "Jurby, you have been in my employ for 25 years, and for your excellent running of the house, I leave you Grantley Hall with its 42 rooms, and a 75% pension." "Thank you, your lordship," said Jurby. Finally, he turned to the chauffeur, "Parker, you have been with me now for 6 months, and in that time you have crashed my 1912 Rolls Royce, blown up

A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.

Andy was a staunch Republican, while Mary was Democrat through and through. They met at a political rally, and spent many hours arguing back and forth, until eventually love blossomed, and they got married. On the wedding night, however, as many of their friends had prophesied, they argued. Turning their backs on each other, they went to sleep; but about 3 in the morning - "I'm sorry, Andy. There's been a split in the Democrat Party, and if the Republican member stood now, he'd get in with no problem." "Too late, the Republican member stood as an Independent, and lost his deposit!"

An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls. Being of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple. She returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver. "So you've shot another golfer, then?"

Note: Most of these will only work in middle or high school. 1. When the bell rings, run out the classroom and when the hall is crowded, yell "MARCO!" See who answers. 2. If you're in biology doing a lab, drop some water into a beaker and then duck under your desk screaming "IT'S GONNA BLOW!" When everyone stares, just say "Oh, my mistake." 3. Run to your next class randomly pointing at different people. At the top of your lungs, scream "WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME? LEAVE ME ALONE!" 4. Randomly bust a dance move every now and then. 5. Write notes to classmates saying, "I need you for a top secret mission. Write back accepting or declining my request. This message will explode in ten second

There once was a man from Rangoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon; When you'd least expect 'em They'd burst from his rectum With the force of a raging typhoon!!