1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. 2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else a

Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap outta the dog.

What do Constipated Mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil.

Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.