Good luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough. Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.

Waiter, why is my food all mushed up? -Well, you did ask me to step on it. Waiter, these eggs are bad. -Don't blame me. I only laid the table. Waiter, is there soup on my menu? -No, I wiped it off.

Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark? Super market

University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the "hops" in beer contain certain phyto-estrogens, and scientists believe that be drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below: After one hour, 100% of the test subjects: 1. gained weight. 2. talked excessively without making sense. 3.

This is a certified true story. One of the instructors at the local training centre decided to try to pull the leg of one the labourers who worked there. He told the lad, who lived in a little fishing port about 12 miles away, that there was a job coming available soon in his home town. The lad asked what job this was, and was told that the job was not very arduous, but paid good money because it involved unsocial hours, going out to the end of the 679 meter pier twice a day and telling the tide when it was time to come in. "You must think I'm soft", he said, and the boys thought he'd twigged, only for him to restore their faith in his stupidity - "That sort of job is handed down from father

There is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter. Once you lose you mind, nothing matters.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man with face in toilet is shit faced. Man who fools around with neighbour's wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

A complex is a phobia. A complex is a large building. A complex is another word for complicated. So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.

Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!

3 guys are driving down the road and realize that they all have to use the bathroom very badly. They come around a corner and see a sign "Green Gables next right". So thye take the right turn and come up to Green Gables, they all jump out of the car and run insode to see if they can use the washroom. They are greeted by a nice old lady who says sure they can use the washroom. The first guy runs up stairs and sits on the toilet and immediatley notices a hole in the floor at his feet with a table under it. All of a sudden he hears "Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables." He grabs all his money and throws it down the hole and runs back down stairs. When he ge

It must suck being a penis because- 1. Your best friends are nuts 2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole 3. You vomit when you're excited 4. Your owner abuses you And if you're in the mood- 5. You work double-duty on Tuesday.