I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

You used to have two brains. One you lost a long time ago, and the other one went looking for it!

Yo Momma's so poor she had to save up to pay attention!

Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying? "A penny saved is a penny earned." Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time." "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away? "Ignorance is bliss." I though bliss was a GOOD thing... "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched." But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS. "Ask no questions and hear no lies." But what if they tell th

Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb A: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the "srewing" part

Kurt and Megan (a blonde) were bored in math class and one day when they decided to play "The Calculator Game". I'm sure many people reading this remember it - it's the one where you enter "1 + 1 =" into your calculator and continue pressing the "=" sign. The goal is to see who can get to the highest number while the math teacher is talking. Bring back any memories? Anyways, Kurt and Megan waited until the teacher started talking, and the contest was on! Fingers were pushing the "=" sign like mad. A hour and a half later, Kurt and Megan compared results. Kurt showed his number: 5,318,008. Megan said, "I don't get it. I was feeling so clever and I thought I'd play a trick on you, but

Enter this old elementary school story onto your calculator fun a cheap laugh - the numbers or signs that you should enter are in quotes. Once upon a time, there was an old lady who was "69" years old. She had always thought that her boobs were "222" (too too too) big. So she went to "51" (fifty-first) street to see Doctor "X" "8" times. When she came back, she was...*turn calculator upside-down and read*

Yo momma so fat and stupid, when she stepped on the scale she went running to me saying "Look! Look! The scale talks!" I dropped my purse onto it to test this theory and it said, "hI" in the area where the numbers usually show up. Yo momma said, "See!? When I stepped on it, it said, 'hELLO!'" I told her, "The scale's upside-down."

Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity? Orville: Why-er.... Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power? Orville: The what? Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.

Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.

Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers

What is the secret of success? "push" said the doorbell "never be lead" said the pencil "Take panes" said the window "always keep cool" said the ice "never lose your head" said the drum "make light of everything" said the fire "be sharp in all your dealings" said the knife "find a good thing and stick to it" said the glue