Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!

Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!

Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family"

Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.

Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop. "Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop. The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been do

Duck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much."

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red. She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?" The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me

What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.

Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods? Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...

A man has returned to his car after coming out of a local shopping centre and notices that his rear bumper is completely bashed in and the back half of his car is severely crushed. He goes to the front to see if there's any damage there and finds a note on the windshield. Relieved that the other motorist left a note he opens it up and reads it. It says, "Dear Sir or Madam, So very sorry about your car. But you see, I don't currently have insurance so I can't afford to pay you for the damages. But a crowd was gathering after I had smashed your car and I had to look like I was writing down my name and phone number. And since I couldn't do that, I decided to write this instead. Have a nice day.

Two guys are sitting there enjoying the Saturday night baseball game. It is the top of the 2nd inning when suddenly they notice two Nuns arrive at the game. Lo and behold the Nuns enter the row in front of them and make there way along, of course sitting directly in front of them. Well, their disgust was overwhelming... Nuns... at a baseball match!!! One of them immediately comes out with the comment "Go to a basketball game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". A little while on, the other of the two comments "Go to a football game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". Again, not more than five minutes later, the first one mentions "Go to a Ice Hockey game, you wouldn'