I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor. "He went twice!"

Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother." "How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist. "I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?" "A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"

NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED: Broken-Bridge Sarry-Huney Big-Theisman Lossin-Hare Redder-Bottum CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!

Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then

A few minutes before the church services start the parishioners are sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone is gone except for an elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew, seemingly unaware that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. Satan walks up to the old man and asks, "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep," the old guy replies, "sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't." says the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." says the old

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and thre

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know why it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNT OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they have been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! A

The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls: SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."