1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner 2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out. 4: Life's short, eat dessert first.

How do you say constipated in German? farfrompoopin

Q: How many roadies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2. One to try to hammer it in with a microphone, and another to find a cable to plug that microphone in. Q: How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: If we do screw in that light bulb, it'll be a 4 hour minimum on the payroll. Q: How many sound techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. That's the light guy's job. Q: How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: IT'S A LAMP!

Yo momma so stupid she brought the jigsaw puzzle back to the store because she thought it was broken!

Once, there were three young men named Poop, Manners and Shutup, and one day they were riding their bikes when Poop fell off his bike, so Manners went to help Poop, while Shutup went to the police. When Shutup arrived at the police station, he said, "Quick! My friend fell off his bike!" So the police said, "Let's start at the beginning. What's your name?" then Shutup said, "Shutup" (because that was his name.) But the police didn't understand, so he said, "Where's your manners?" Shutup said "Picking up Poop!"

There was a child named Laura. She asked her mom what the hardest report she ever had to do was. Her mom said, "It was to write an essay on the belly of a frog." Laura said, "Wow!!How did you get the frog in to the typewriter?"

Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."

One day a man was watching a show that shows how people make candy bars (by the way he has one in his hand). About halfway through the show, his son comes in asks him if he could ask him a question. The man says yes so his son asks him, "Where can most criminals be found?" The Man answers, "Behind candy bars" "My point exactly," the son replies. (The son found 12 dollars to missing the day before and his father was the only who could take it given the circumstances at the time.) A couple weeks later the man finds many of his personal items go missing. Then, one day when found his watch missing and he realizes his son took it. So the man waited until his son took out a candy bar for

Matt: I bet you can't spell "I cup." Sarah: I C-U-P Matt: Eww! You see me pee!

Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life? Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.

If you were a boy and your parents named you dick. Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?

One day Billy is pulling some bottles to the recycling plant in his wagon to get some spending money, he is cursing up a storm while he is pulling the wagon. He comes around a corner and sees Jenny standing on the path in front of him. "Billy you shouldn't swear like that!" "Why the hell not?" "Because God will hear you" Jenny replies. "So what if he does" Billy replies. "Well if God hears you swearing you will go to hell." Jenny explains. "Well He can't hear me. He is not here!" "Yes He can hear you Billy. God is everywhere!" Billy thinks a minute than says, "You mean to say God is under that tree over there right now?" "Yes Billy He is there, but you can't see him because He is invisib