Like I said before, I never repeat myself.

A man comes home after a party drunk. When he interrogates his wife about who she is, she replies, "I'm your wife! Did you forget me?" The man says, "Sorry, drinking makes me forget my pain."

I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.

Why did the piece of gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods... On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be

A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool." Actress: "But I dont know how to swim." Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."

An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train. The judge asked, "Why did you derail the train?" The engine driver replied, "A man ran in front of the tracks." The judge replied, "You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him." The driver replied, "I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!"

Q: How can you find a blonde in a submarine? A: Simple, she would be the only one with a parachute on!

GOOD JOKE: A blonde. BETTER JOKE: A blonde playing chess. BEST JOKE: The blonde wins the game.

Q: What did the blonde say after seeing the banana on the ground? A: Oh, I'm gonna slip again!!

A man asked a woman,"Will you marry me?" The woman replied,"No." They both lived happily ever after!