Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."

I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone! You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor! You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!

What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA

Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out. The two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in. One day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed. "However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?" asked Mama. "Easy," said Out. "Instinct!"

A man was enjoying a pleasant afternoon of golf. On the 15th hole, he drove his ball to the right of the fairway into a patch of buttercups. As he neared the ball, he heard a small voice say, "Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!." He looked around, but there was no one nearby. So he starts towards his ball again and hears, "Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!" Well, the man is a little disturbed by this, so he decides to leave that ball and play another, even though this will cost him a stroke. After he makes his play, an elf appears! "Thank you, sir, for not hurting my buttercups. As a reward, I will give you all the butter you could ever want." "Well, that's great," replied th

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought I was stupid, Then I met you!

There were 3 men who wanted to buy toilets, so they went to the nearest store and were looking at the new designs of the toilets. The first guy asks for a toilet that would go nice in his log cabin out in the woods, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of wood. The second guy asks for a toilet that would be nice for an igloo, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of ice. The third guy asked for the nicest toilet they have that would go in the National History of Canada Museums employee restroom, so the salesman sells him a singing toilet with a picture of the Canadian flag on the tank. Well, they all get what they asked for. The next day all 3 men come back with their toilets. The

Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog. Man#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse. Man#2 replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later." Man#1 says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?" Man#2 says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital." Man#1 replies, "Can I borrow your dog?" Man#2, "Ge

How do you know a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains: "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my %#*!@#&*# money is!" "Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard." "What did he

1960's arithmetic test: A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths of that amount. What is his profit? 1970's new-math test: A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What is the cardinality of set P of profits? 1980's "dumbed down" version: A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20. 1990's version: An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this