One day, in a hospital, a doctor walked into a womans room, looking very serious. "There's something wrong with your baby", he said. the woman bolted upright. "Tell me! What's wrong with my baby?" The doctor looked her straight in the eye and told her, "Your child is a hermaphrodite." "A herma-whatta?" she asked. "The baby has the, um, most important parts of both a boy and a girl." The woman turned pale. It was silent for a few moments, and she said, "So, you're saying its a guy with a brain?!?!?!"

I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo.

This couple, my mom is friends with at work, just had a baby. The wife, Emily, told Dave, her husband, there needed to be some cutbacks on beer to save money for diapers and such. Dave was very disapointed, as could be imagined, but realized it was for the good of their child. One afternoon Emily walks through the door, with bags of makeup and pretty clothes. Dave politely asked Emily why she was spending money on cosmetics, and he was restricted from beer. She responded causually, "This is for you honey. It makes me pretty." Naturally, Dave responded, "That's what the beer was for." Since then, he has been kicked out of the house, and lives in our basement.

50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) - Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive withthe windows down. 32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadianspull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. -460°

You think "Going the extra mile" means using toothpaste. You take a bar of soap to your local pool. Your dentures have fillings. Your idea of conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night. Your wife has ever burnt out an electric razor. Your medical plan is not to get sick.

You know your a redneck if... You tell your kids the facts of life and they interrupt you with corrections. You've ever given your date flowers from a cemetery. You proposed at Denny's. The biggest compliment you got at your wedding was how cute your baby was. You had a marriage license before you had a drivers license. You've ever reused wedding invitations. The last thing your ex-wife ever said to you was "It's me or them dogs." If your wedding invitations ever said "same time same place." At your wedding reception you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get "Champagne."

As an insult you could say "You know, most of you weight comes from all that make-up your wearing!"

Here are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?"

Birdie Birdie in the sky, Dropped some white stuff in my eye. I'm a big girl, I won't cry. I'm just glad that cows don't fly!

One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, "I can't take anymore today, I am going home!" The blond replies, "You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!". "Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea." the guy says and leaves the room. The blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, "I'm a lightbulb!". The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard. The

I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water!