Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's th

Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" Bob replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." Joe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" Bob answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"

"I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000." Tommy told Rob. "Hey, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?" Rob exclaimed. "No Man, I bet Rs 500 on that match." Tommy replied. "So, what happened to the other Rs 500?" Rob asked. "My Friend, I bet on the highlights too." Tommy replied.

Once there was a guy who liked cheese.

I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

Blonds are so dumb. I'm lucky my hair is yellow.

Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a peanut and she made peanut butter.

Yo momma is so stupid, she's stupid.

Once there was an old man 70 years old named Bob who was married to his 73 year old wife, Mary. They had their grandchild, named Caroline over. Once they got home from their walk, Bob offered Caroline some hot chocolate, toast, and eggs. "Of course!" She said with delight. Then, Bob goes in to make the meal for Caroline and Mary follows to help. Bob and Mary take an hour to walk into the kitchen, take three hours making the meal, and take an hour to walk back into the living room in which Caroline was in with the meal. Caroline noticed, "Hey, you forgot the Hot chocolate and toast!"

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."