Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.

How do you confuse a redneck Ask him a question that is not about NASCAR.

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied!!

Relish today, ketchup tomorrow! A hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What you call a man with no arms and no legs at a work-out place? Jim What you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door? Matt What you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bathroom? John What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a trench? Phil What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pit? Doug What you call a man with no arms and no legs with a cat? Tom What you call a girl with one leg? Ilene What you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene What do you call a pig with no legs? Groundhog

Frankienstien was out on a rainy day and he saw a very ugly guy. "Lookin' good!" he said to him. Later he saw a super model he said, "So, how'd you get to be a mutant?"

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man, wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street, into a damp dark alley. I followed. "What are you selling?" I asked. "Geometrical algebra drugs." "Huh!?" "Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..." "Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers." "Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day." "Go on..." "OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. "What are those, then?" I as

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The little old man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt." The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you