"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight. Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man. Chuck

Not Funny

Things You Learn from Video Games There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force. If it moves, DESTROY IT! Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinite number of "badguys." Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground. You can break things and get away with it. You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it. If someone dies, they disappear. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. You can operate all weapons without training. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again. Death is reversible (only for you!) Ninjas

Question: What did the frog order at McDonald's? Answer: An order of french flies and a diet croak!!

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V." He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted, and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placek

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

1 Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper. 2 Why don't blondes use vibrators? They chip their teeth. 3 Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? Cause their balls show. 4 Why don't a blondes eyes fall out of her when she stands? The vacuum in her head keeps them in place. 5 What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there."

There once was a man from Perdition Who knew his way around a kitchen His wife was good lookin' The kids loved his cookin' But his mother-in-law kept on bitchin'

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed. Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi. Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in wh

A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, and self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." Later that night, as the princess dined