Top Jokes
Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Nor
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be the first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norr
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
What many people don't know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris uses
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, p
The 11th commandment is: "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris!" This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the d
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris' penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
Chuck N
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one; one bad-ass, that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
"Let the Bodie
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn't say, "Who's your daddy?", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while vi
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...forty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rip
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