Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the prefere

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhou

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. For some, the left testicle is larger than

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris" Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his as

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now ha

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face. There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"... not even close. Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists. An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. Using his trademark roundhouse

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium. The Sherman tank was originaly called th

A plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors? They don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died.

Yo Momma so fat, she filled up the tub before she put the water in it.

WARNING: Racial insult to a black person. Why could a black person never get oral sex? Because the black person would taste like horribly burned food.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor w

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds", he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck