How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb? None, they just assume they've gone blind.

A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink. The second man says yes. They have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap. He asks, "So where you from?" The second man replies, "Ireland." The first man says, "WOW! Me too. Let's drink to Ireland." They drink and the second man says, "So what part of Ireland ya from?" The first man says, "Dublin. So...what school did you go to?" The second man says, "St. Sebastians. Graduated in 1969." The first man astonished says, "ME TOO! Damn, what a coincidence." Just then a regular comes in the bar and asks the bartender what's going on. The bartender replies, "Nothin' much. The O'

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben

A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company. One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poop now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halt

One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open. Not wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, "Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates." The man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, "Do you see the colonel standing to attention?" She whispers back, "No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags."

A drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."

A blonde is speeding down a deserted street when she is pulled over by a police officer. The officer very politely requests to see the blondes license. The blonde very indignant replies, "You know what? I'm getting tired of you cops. You just can't make up your mind. Last week you took away my license, and now you want me to show it to you?"

Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.

Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!

Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.

After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. "Oh," he replied finally. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"