Yo Momma is so fat she uses a rocket ship as a dildo.

You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned.

You might be a redneck if you answer to more than one nickname.

You might be a redneck if you have orange road cones in your living room!

You might be a redneck if your toenail clippers say craftsman on the side!

You might be a redneck if you've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something

You might be a redneck if you've ever videotaped a dog loving on someone's leg.

You take me out way too much!!! Do you think this dress makes me look too slim? You looked stressed out, let me give you a massage. Go out with your friends tonight, you deserve it. That Pamala Anderson has a lovely body. No, no you buy me too much already. A fake diamond will do. My mother is a real old wench. What headache?

We have found the perfect mate for all of you ladies out there. This mate... will always stop watching t.v. and cuddle with you without expecting something in return. Is always happy to hear about your day when you get home. Never complains about your cooking, or lack of. Never gets mad when you roll over in bed and say you're too tired. Never yells back at you when you are having a mood swing due to pms. Finally ladies here is your perfect mate.... A PUPPY!!!

It can buy a bed - but not sleep It can buy a clock - but not time It can buy you a book - but not knowledge It can buy you a position - but not respect It can buy you medicine - but not health It can buy you blood - but not life So you see, money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering....... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!!

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts. 4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 6. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mi

Why did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!