"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past incredible security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!

The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!

Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!

Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family"

Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.

Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop. "Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop. The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been do

Duck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much."