A guy goes to a fancy French restaurant. He's feeling adventurous, so he decides to order the squid. He is told that they are kept alive in a small aquarium in the restaurant, so that they are really fresh. As he's ordered squid, he can choose which squid he would like to eat! He goes over to the aquarium and sees the squid swimming around. There's one squid that looks really sick - it's gone a strange shade of green, and even has strange fuzz growing around it's mouth. The guy is kind of grossed out, but he thinks - this poor squid - it looks really miserable, and no-one's going to choose it! Maybe I should put it out of its misery. So he asks the head chef - Gervaise - to cook up t

Guy: I'm having a problem with it. Girl: That's not surprising, it's very hard when you first learn. Guy: It's not working. I can't get it up. Girl: You just have to relax. It'll happen. You just have to work at it. Guy: Alright, I'm supposed to do what with my tongue again?? Girl: Your tongue is the key, you have to use it like a tool. You have to know where to put your tongue where it's needed. Feel for problem areas. Guy: pbpbpbpb. man. this sucks. Girl: Try again. just go slower. Guy: Its too hard! Girl: Soften it up. Guy: Show me again? Girl: *shows him* Guy: Alright, let me try now. Girl: Your first time is an experience you'll always remember. I know you can do it!

Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!

One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond and a Former Sexual Partner Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Loins? Oh, grand! It''s Bond. James Bond? O07? Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas? Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Loins. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Loins? Rather silly, when you think about it. Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I re

Here is the difference between guts and balls. Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to just "be there." Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!

Dear Santa, You must be suprised that I'm writing to you on the 26th of December. I would like you to remember that I asked for a pair of rollar blades, a bicycle, an electric train, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying this whole year. Not only was I the first class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, but there was nobody in my neighborhood who behaved better than me including to my parents, my brothers and sisters, my neighbors, and my friends. I would even help the elderly across the street and go on errands. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What ball you have leaving me a fuckin yoyo, a la

If Six is afraid of Seven because Seven ate (Eight) Nine, why did Six soon die? Because Six, Seven ate (Eight) (678)

This is a true story: A man was in a grocery store shopping, when he lit a cigarette. The manager walks up to him and politely asks him to extinguish it. The man refuses, saying " Well you sell cigarettes here, dont you?" The store manager replies " Yes sir we do, and we also sell condoms." The man quickly put the cigarette out.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you

Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"