Q:What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? D

To the tune of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover": I'm looking over my dead dog Rover That I ran over with the power mower One leg is missing, another is gone The third leg is scattered all over the lawn No need explainin' the one remainin' Is under the car port door I'm looking over my dead dog Rover That I overlooked before!

"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"

Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

She frowned and called him Mr. Because in sport he kr. And so in spite That very night The Mr. kr. sr.

"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"

Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.

Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.

Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past incredible security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!