Did you hear about the smart blonde? Neither did I!

Yo momma is so fat she used the Grand Canyon as her sidewalk.

One day the goverment desided to see how we get along with other countries so they took an american, a frechman and a chinese guy and put them on an island for a year. They tell the american that he is in charge of building. They tell the frenchman that he is in charge of cooking. Then, finally they tell the chinese guy that he is in charge of supplies. One year later the goverment comes back and the american said: "Let me show you what I have built" and so he does. Then the frenchman said: "Let me show you what I have cooked." Then one of the goverment people asked what happened to the chinese guy and they said that the day that they were given their assigments he dissapeared. So they

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for bre

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one ha

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are. The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!" The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast? My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. "But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

Dear Bob in Tech Support, I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever, as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off, but I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Leisure 3.1 and QuietTime programs, often trying to abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probabl

One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States... How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes... get my panties as low as my wages... get that thing of yours as hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas prices... keep me warmer than my apartmen