"I'd like the number for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator. "There are multiple listings for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Snake."

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money. When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake. Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own. My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality. Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences". The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas". "But, Nurse

A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says "Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?" to which the guy responds, "A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???"

PHYSICS: John Moonstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Ohio, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1925 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years. LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of monetary tall tales, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of super rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Sherry Quay Lu, Barrister Jon A. Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which the

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.) #2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving. #2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.) #2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See

You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance: (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. The process becomes more important than the product. You don't see anythi

1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who oppose them. 7. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9. Teamwork means never having to take all

1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have... 2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you... 3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later... 4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation? 5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies... 6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway... 7. G