What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air-Bag

A man walks into a bar and has a drink. Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome." He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again. Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind." He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on. The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle. God asked the first man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man said, "None. Never once." God says, "Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur." Then God asks the second man how many times he's cheated. The man says, "Only twice." God says, "That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV." Then

3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral. The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer." The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives." The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Jon and Adam are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go. Jon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon answers, "I'd be half blind, doc." "That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the ex

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?" Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?" Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied. "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!" Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, "My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and m

A blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view. The brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet! The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "So, you want to race, do you?"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.